this is what Bonni's music feels like....

My friend wrote me that she feels like s&m has walked out the door of her life, and that it just takes honesty to get inside of her, instead of having to break down the walls with pain. But I feel like I am going backwards from that space; the walls are building themselves up inside of me, like a little girl is crawling up into my stomach and hiding herself in the wet walls of my insides. And it seems like there is nothing but the tearing of those walls that would make her come out and scream and cry and feel the fresh air so that I could feel young and free. There is just so much I don't want to deal with right now. My whole life has been changed, at least for the next year. All of the schools said no, so I won't be moving, won't have a reason to quit my job and travel, won't have an arbitrary situation that cues me to finally call 'bullshit' on John for disappointing me... It's like I'm in the middle of a lake, and all I want to do is float here in the water, where nothing can reach me except for the soft motions of the tide, and if I let my head slip underwater, I can't hear the people and obligations that are screaming for me to come back to the shore. And it's so calm underwater, but my fingers are pruning, and my hair is getting tangled in my face, and I can't move myself quickly with the water pushing all around me. But it's so quiet, and so calm... and I know I should come back for air, and let my skin dry so that I don't rot, but I just want to sleep, to float in the comfort of unconsciousness.